Film Review: Parlor

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I’ve had a pretty pathetic stream of poor quality horror movies in the past few weeks, so I was looking for something bloody and satisfying without brainwork. “Parlor” seemed to tick all those boxes.

It’s a very stereotypical slasher horror. Stereotypically stupid American teenagers decide it would be a good idea to go to a relatively underdeveloped eastern European country (in this case, Lithuania) for a period of alcohol, debauchery, and bad choices. Very similar to “Hostel”.

Naturally the presence of glorified porn and severe liver damage wasn’t very appealing to me, but I bore the idiocy of teenager-hood (oh how glad I am to have escaped its clutches) in hopes that these suckers will get what they deserve. I was not disappointed.

After a night of sex and alcohol, one girl decides it would be a good idea to hang out with this gothic, heavily-tattooed local who her male friend met and almost banged. She also thought it would be a good idea to get a tattoo spontaneously. In a foreign country. In what seems a very dodgy area. I’m surprised contracting HIV or Hep C wasn’t part of her punishment on top of massive liver failure for all the teens involved.

But I digress.

The artist struck me as someone quite benign, which is quite unusual. Usually there’s a creepy obvious villain who foreshadows everything, but he seems quite genuine when Amy professes her reason for getting a tattoo. On the other hand, he also maintains that calm sincerity when ripping the flesh off the stupid guy, Brock, so I guess that’s quite spooky in itself.

I enjoyed the gore of seeing flesh being forcibly torn from the muscles, although I marvel at how the flesh didn’t rip until a much larger area was used. The constant screaming from all the female characters got on my nerves. So much. They took the term “scream queen” to a whole new level. Not to mention further stupidity ensued when the separated friends found Brock and Amy, which went something like this:

Girl 1: *stands still* OMG girl 2, watch out! Run! *still standing still*
Girl 2: *stands still, confused* *turns around, is knocked out by a bat*
Girl 1: noooo! *still standing still* *gets knocked out*

Darwinism at its best.

So all in all, they get killed. Amy survives. Amy is somehow brainwashed and convinced tattoos are the greater good, becomes the apprentice. It’s unusual in that the main character turns to the bad side, but it was a nice little twist.

Something I noticed, though, is that the accents are verryyyy slippery throughout. Uta, the local tattooed girl, sometimes go from kinda Dracula to American. One of the girls who was meant to be American ended up sounding very southern English. One of my peeves, but ah well.

Verdict: bloody, brainless, entertaining
3.5*/5

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